Interest is not invented; it's inspired. You can nurture it and try to foster it but you can't force it. If it isn't there with someone who is good, you can pray for it and maybe you'll be blessed with it. In my personal experience when I tried that route, it was not what I was blessed with but I was blessed to be able to move on. If it is there with someone who would not be a good influence on you and in your life, don't go after it. If you're not interested in someone you don't need to guilt trip yourself about it. (and if others are doing that to you... well, maybe I'll post something about that soon.) It may be personality differences, appearance, ambition levels, life preparation/responsibility levels, different intellectual levels, social skills or the lack thereof or a myriad of other things that contribute to whether or not you have interest. It's not rocket science and you don't even have to analyze the ingredients that you have or don't have; you just know clearly when it's there, as well as when it's not. Interest: Regardless of if you've got it or if you don't, make good decisions relating to it.
Once upon a time I dated someone who was incredible and who had incredible potential. (Actually, most of the guys I've dated match that description so far.) That however could not change the fact that we were in two extremely different places and perspectives in life. Acknowledging that reality was beautifully pacifying. (and so was ending that dating relationship) After all, it's important to "relate" in a RELATionship, not solely in your potential, but also in your present place in life and perspectives or outlook on it.
In other words, while it's excellent to not be in a negative relationship, that does not fill up the vacancy for an incredible one.
Thanks to the many fellas who have influenced me for good. Even through they are not my "eternal companion" the companionship of their friendships have had a positive influence on me- and that influence is eternal.
Wal-Mart is easily accessible, available to pretty much everybody and not very desirable. Valuable things are cherished, prized and rare to come by. Don't be the Wal-Mart of affection. If what you have & are is one of a kind and if your affection is not mass distributed it increases in value and significance.
Education. Finances. Fitness. Resolving past conflict or drama with family, friends, significant others, etc. Employment. Worthiness. These areas are your own territory. How you live them prepares you well for a relationship and may increase or decrease others' confidence in you and their emotional security and trust in you. Everyone has areas they must learn to stand stong in independently. While one person can cheer for other, it is one's part to step up to the task. To the guys, in the words of elder Holland, "Be a man." To the women, in the words of my buddy Nate, "Suck it up princess." Figure out whatever you've got to do and get to work.
What do you want someone to see in you? How do you want someone to feel about you? Is that the picture you are painting for them? Double check what you want others to see and what you are "putting out there" for others to see. If you want others to see something else, clarify it through how you live.
It seems like so many people are talking about vulnerability lately. While being comfortable, authentic, real and accurate are all important things, this does not mean that exposing all of our flaws gives anyone an accurate, balanced, good or even real view of oneself. In letting people get to know you, learn from your past but don't live in it. Acknowledge your present along with how you are working toward positively progressing it. These efforts toward present progression inspire others' confidence in you regarding a future. Everyone knows that confidence is attractive. While confidence is not about having a perfect track record, having a dang good one definitely builds others' confidence in you. Having an awesome game plan along with current practice stats also builds others' confidence in you as well. If you want to date a champ, be one now. If you've got some work to do - which we ALL do - then get at it.
More to come.
Time to get back at it,
Ali
Amen and amen! I particularly like what you wrote about interest. I have often struggled with trying to decide whether or not to date certain girls simply because they were good people. I would think to myself, "Well, so and so is a good girl and has so many admirable attributes and things going for her, so even though I don't feel very interested in her I should just push through and try to make something happen." As was quoted above, "You don't choose whether to have interest. You do choose what to do about it." This makes perfect sense to me. How much time have I spent trying to convince myself to date someone because they were a wonderful person (vs. because I was genuinely interested)? Since when does their being a good person mean that I have to date them? I have way overcomplicated things and not allowed myself to admit that not feeling interest is a good enough reason to end things. Although interest can be a fickle things at times and the decision to stay in love is a choice, in the beginning it's ok to want to feel a strong desire to get to know them better even when there's no other apparent reason other than feeling that desire. Much like choosing friends, choosing a significant other should not require psychoanalysis. I can't think of a single close friendship I have that required an analysis as to whether or not it should happen. I just met such and such person, decided they were great, and ended up becoming friends with them. I hope to experience the same with my future spouse. We meet, we both feel interested, and the interest leads to a great relationship that can last for ever. This doesn't mean it won't require some work and sacrifice, but it does mean that the relationship won't be forced.
ReplyDeletewow. sounds like you just need to relax a little bit and have more fun. dating isn't a chore or a project, it's just a fun way to get to know somebody and see if you want to marry them later. why all the pressure/rules/stress? have fun!!
ReplyDeleteI love your emphasis on having fun with dating! I'm ALL for that! The little thoughts in this post are simply personal "lessons learned" rather than "pressure/rules/stress," I put a ba-jillion of the thoughts in one post though and that may have made it look like "rule overload" for sure! :) Thanks for the feedback!
DeleteI love the balanced approach. I believe in having fun, but I most certainly believe in dating as a worthwhile and wonderful and exciting "project." It's a mission for me (when I seriously date, that is). Pressure comes when so much marvelous force and potential is building up underneath the soon-erupting volcano of fireworks that comes with dating. I love that kind of pressure! And I love rules. I follow them. When they're based on correct principles. And I love the stress of dating! It's eustress, not distress. Stress itself isn't bad. It's only bad when it's distress. I say bring on the stress, bring on the marvelous pressure, let's keep righteous rules, and go from there!
DeleteThank you Ali. These are very thoughtful and well-learned lessons that you've articulated beautifully