Diplomatically Declining a Date

It's something that almost everyone will face sooner or later - the need to decline a date. While many guys tend to appreciate clarity on the matter, it can be very challenging for a girl to know how to say "no." 

This week while talking with a small group of friends, a single girl in her upper 20's expressed how hard it is for her to say "no" to certain dates. "I just feel so bad," she said. "I don't know how to say 'no' so I give them my number and then I don't return their phone calls. I feel terrible about it but I don't know what else to do!"

Knowing how to courteously decline a date equips both ladies and gents with a resource for navigating dating more comfortably. People who can politely decline a date can confidently interact with others without feeling obligated to accept a request for more of their time. They understand that it is not that you don't care about the person, it is simply that you would not care to go on a date with them. Those are two very different things. Knowing how to say "no" can help people feel like they have more control and choice regarding how they will spend their time and with whom.

So how can you say no without feeling like a you are being rude? How can you decline in a way that leaves the asker as well as the decliner in the best shape possible? 

WAYS PEOPLE FREQUENTLY "DECLINE" DATES:

1- EVADE: Leave a conversation before the question comes up.
2- AVOID: Not return a call, text, etc.

3- CAN'T: "Sorry, I have other plans."

4- RESCHEDULE: "I have other plans then, but I'd love to do something another time."

5- NOPE: "Thanks, but no thanks."

Options 1-4 are pretty simple and take very little thought at all. Option 5 however is sometimes the most appropriate and may take some practice to go about it graciously.

I have this general guideline for myself: If I'm going to decline a date, I want to do it in a way that if his mom was on the phone in a 3-way call, she would be supportive of how I handled things and communicated with her son.

I figure that someday, I'm going to have a son of my own, and someday, he is going to ask out a girl that for one reason or another isn't going to have interest in going on a date with him. I want to communicate with any guy who asks me out in a way that I would appreciate girls in the future communicating with my sons. If I wouldn't be okay with someone interacting with my son like that, then I won't be okay with myself interacting with anyone else's son that way either. Similar to the golden rule of "Do unto others, as you would have others, do unto you" but tweaked a bit; this would sound something like "I'll do unto guys, the way that I would have girls in the future, do unto my sons."

My personal experience has taught me that guys appreciate clarity with kindness.  You know when a declined invitation is followed up by a a "Thanks for how you said that," that you are talking with a gentleman who understands that you are trying to be gentle as well. 

Easier said than done, right? Oftentimes people give "pep-talks" of principles that you already agree with. Then they leave you on your own to figure out how to go about what you were wanting help with in the first place... So, in an effort to take these principles of clarity and kindness a step further, below are some wording options. 

*Note: DO NOT use all of these. 

No guy wants their ear talked off, especially if it's about someone not wanting to go on another date with them. The following lines are like a "menu" to select an option that is most fitting for your circumstances. 

CLEAR & CONCISE:

• "I sincerely appreciate you thinking of me but would not necessarily be interested. Thank you though."
• "Thanks so much for the invite. I wouldn't necessarily be interested in going on a date, but I'm so flattered that you would ask me." 

FOR FRIENDS:

• "I know if we went out again we'd have a great time, because I always enjoy being around you, (only say it if you mean it) but I just view things between us more as a friendship rather than a dating relationship."
• "You are absolutely wonderful (specifics may be added here) I just view things between us more as a friendship rather than as a dating relationship."

NEED TO BE CLEARER? 

• "When it comes to dating interest, I'm not interested in that kind of a relationship between the two of us and I thought you might appreciate knowing how things are from my perspective, 'behind the scenes' so to speak, rather than leaving you to guess 'in the dark.'"
• "Thanks for the invitation but I just don't feel that kind of a connection between us."

If talking about this is uncomfortable or new for them you could explain:

• "I respect you a lot and wanted to be kind and clear rather than avoiding your message/treating you coldly/telling you that I have other plans again. You deserve better than that."

Potential options for after that, if needed or fitting:

• "Thanks so much though."
• "You're doing everything right. Your approach in asking people out is excellent and some lucky lady is going to jump for joy when she is found by you."

If you would still be open to doing things with friends:

• "If you would like to do something as friends though, or with our group of friends, I'd be up for that."  (To some guys this makes sense and to others it doesn't at all. Understood.)
• Check for understanding: "Is this making any sense?" Or "Can you help me understand how this is coming across to you?" Or, "Is this how you're seeing things as well?" Or "Would that be alright with you?"

Remember this is simply a menu of ideas - not a checklist. 

Taking into consideration 1) how close you are with the individual who has asked you out and 2) how frequently you might interact with him in the future can help you identify what might be the best way to handle the conversation. 

Some people argue that it's best to abruptly "say it as it is" to "get it over with" and "rip it off like a band-aid. " While honesty and prompt timeliness are important, let's also keep in mind that if band-aids are "ripped off" too quickly from sensitive skin, it can not only hurt but could potentially cause further damage. If we know someone is in a sensitive state, we would do well to take that into consideration with how we respond.

If role-playing with a friend or in front of a mirror helps, go for it. If recording what you might say and listening to it a couple of times helps, then why not give it a try?  The gentleman you're declining a date with is someone's son, brother, future father, and ultimately someone else's hero of a husband.

In short, when it comes to declining a date, if a guy is man enough to ask you out, be lady-like enough to diplomatically decline.

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Guys- Any recommendations on what to say/what not to say?

Gals-  Any insight to share from your experiences with this?

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"She openeth her mouth with wisdom; 

and in her tongue is the law of kindness."

Proverbs 31: 26

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1. photo credit: Marc Wathieu via photopin cc 
2. photo credit: melstampz via photopin cc